Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I need to sieze this.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”