Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Yes
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4