Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.