Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.