Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.