Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!