Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”