Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.