Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.