Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Great Canadian literature.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
