Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The glockness monster
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.