Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
#polloftheday
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop