Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.