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[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.


People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.


Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE


I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.


*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*


Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.


The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate


The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.


*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!


I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.