[stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
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People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Theres no ‘u’ in family.
Look, what Im trying to tell you is that youre adopted.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!
I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.