At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Morning my dudes.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”