Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

Me: how are you

Friday: good

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”