Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )