Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

I just ran a .003048K

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.