Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Try and stop me.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.