Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

I only say stupid things when I talk.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!