Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.