Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead