Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
It kinda feels like this rn
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”