Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I think we should hear other voices.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.