Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?