Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”