“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.