“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.