“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
You Might Also Like
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.