“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
went fishing caught a bass
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then