Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper