Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks