Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.