Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
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Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m listening
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Pandas 🐼🖤
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Dishonest mechanic?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department