Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
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*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.