Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“Huge”.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want