Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
You Might Also Like
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*skinny dips into black hole
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.