Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

happy halloween

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

linkedin the good parts

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*