Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
A flock of dads is called a grill.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu