Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Clients after you give them your rates
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive