Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”