Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
You Might Also Like
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
me after eating Cheetos
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac