Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*