Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.