Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic