Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
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Ha
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I hate everything
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.