Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.