Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?