Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Facebook memories be like
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again