Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
You Might Also Like
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
that colleague who touches your screen
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.