Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
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Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
and now we wait
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food