Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
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Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now