Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
The Backseat Boys
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
You better wish for more oil
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”