Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
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guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
There is no “we” in pizza
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
the duality of man
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed