Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

Golf would be better with landmines.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Lmfao

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]