Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*