Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

A French press is when you hug naked

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.