Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me