Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
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“We will wed,” I threatened
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
This was the best day of my life
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’