called in thicc to work this morning
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*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?