called in thicc to work this morning
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
How does one answer this?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.