Called it
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Sounds like a real hoot.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.