Called it
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess