Called it
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Usage Guidelines
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.