Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats