called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.