called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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absolute chaos
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
twitter is a journey
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please