Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

how DARE

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

Finally, an explanation.

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

…

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Pretty much. 🤣

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work