Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
You Might Also Like
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.