Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Always the camel, never the toe.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

At least try to make it slightly believable

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.