Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go