Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off