Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
You Might Also Like
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Something Saturday.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’m already scared
