Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
boat question
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*