Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
You Might Also Like
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue