Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.