Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

no cat here

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.